My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
You Might Also Like
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*