I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
You Might Also Like
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”