Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
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I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.