saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
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Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Have kids, they said
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Grandmother clock.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Good dog. ❤️
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.