Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
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When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”