cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
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She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.