Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
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How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
we’re dead?
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?