If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
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Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
*pronounces fake like saké*
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Only a mother’s love …
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK