I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
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*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
this could fix me
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
me working on my assignments ^-^
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose