*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Omg 🤣
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.