“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
You Might Also Like
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
stop
The pasta is now