*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
There is no “we” in pizza
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”