I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
Welcome to the stomach
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH