three things we don’t talk about
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You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules