I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
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A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.