Feel. He’s so soft.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
Important
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.