Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
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Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Word!
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.