Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
selfie game
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.