After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
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Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
this has to be peak English
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
The Punning Dead.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.