[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
the world’s most popular steaming services
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.