Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
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Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Don’t talk down to me
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?