I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
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me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
good work, everybody
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.