America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
You Might Also Like
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Twitter is an abusement park.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
nobody’s gonna understand
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.