People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
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Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here