Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
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Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
How do you milk an almond?