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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Nice try Hitler