My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
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ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.