Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
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FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.