WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…