Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd