This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
This trial is so absurd 😭
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?