Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
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ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list