Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
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i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
never compromise your values
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?