I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
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HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves