My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*