Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Body by cheese-puffs.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS