Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Watson was Holmes schooled
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Bros before Ohioes
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Duck typos.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.