The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
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A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased