Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
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The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
War & Peace