Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
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Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
guilty
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.