If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
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Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.