I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
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“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.