The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*
genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?
mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye
genie: *looks at the lamp*
lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*
genie: i for an eye 🙂
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.