How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
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PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
I’m having an out of money experience.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.