Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
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Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Intelligence is the new cleavage
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.