‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
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I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
Living the best life.. 😊
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.