Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
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The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.