My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
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4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”