If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
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Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.