If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
This classic never gets old . . .
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣